"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

My husband eats three times as much as I do. I know this for a fact because I have purposely looked at his portion sizes then at mine and compared them. I sigh a deep sigh because he is thin and I am not. It baffles me that he can eat large amounts of food and not gain an ounce and I go out to eat one time and gain five pounds. As far as I am concerned, that is not fair!! 

I was 21 years old before I fully grasped the concept that life is not fair. That is when I miscarried our first child. The unfairness of the whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks. There were women who aborted their babies, women who left them to die in dumpsters, women who neglect their children, women who abuse their children and yet they had not miscarried and I, who would have loved and cared for our baby did. We need to teach our children that life is not fair. I don't give one child two cookies and the other child one cookie simply to teach the one child that life is not fair. However, when unfair situation arise naturally in life, and believe me, they will, we should not always rush in and "rescue" the child. We need to help them to learn that unfair things do happen in life and they must learn to deal with them in a biblical manner.

When another child is mean to our child, when our child is left out of a game, when a teacher misinterprets a situation our child is involved in, in other words, when life isn't fair, we should use this as an opportunity to teach our child how to respond to life's difficult circumstances in a godly, biblical way. We can use these situations as an opportunity to teach our child to return kindness for unkindness, to be humble, to put others first, to not lose their temper and so many other godly character traits that we want to instill in our children.

A few years ago one of my children's Sunday School teachers gave everyone in the class a sticker, except for my son.  I know this woman and I am sure it was simply an over sight on her part. My son, then four, came home in tears. My first instinct was to call the teacher and explain the situation (after all, stickers are a big deal when you are four). I was sure she would give him a sticker the next Sunday.

However, instead I explained to him that adults make mistakes, just as children do. I told him I understood how disappointed he was. However, I also went on to tell him that there will be disappointing times in life but we must go on with life and not allow that disappointment to cause him to sin. We talked about ways the situation could cause him to sin such as pouting all week, being disrespectful to his teacher, or being jealous of the other children. We also discussed ways he could please God in this situation such as continuing to obey and respect his teacher and being kind to the other children.

Now, nearly five years later, he still occasionally refers to the "sticker situation" when faced with an unfair situation. He has faced many more unfair situation that far exceed that one but that situation really seemed to help prepare him for future unfair situations. I wish I could say that I always handled every unfair situation my children faced in this way but there have been times that I rushed in and did the wrong thing. When my children are faced with life's difficult situations, I have learned it is best to wait and pray and to talk to my husband before I do anything. 

Of course it is our job to protect our children and there are times when we must do so. If I see a 10 year old beating up on my 6 year old, I am not going to say, "Oh well, he needs to learn that life isn't fair". Obviously I will interfere. If my child is in a situation where he is continually being mistreated, I will step in. However, often I think that we as parents rush in to "fix" every unfair situation when we should use them to teach our children how to please God in difficult circumstances.

We can use lack of "fairness" as an opportunity to teach children to be happy for each other. If one child gets to go some place fun or receives a new toy it is an opportunity for us as parents to help the other children to learn to be happy for their sibling. Because of our children's sinful nature it will not be an easy lesson for them to learn and they will struggle when someone else gets something they do not get, but over the years of teaching them they will eventually learn to be happy for others when others are blessed.

My husband is very good at helping the children learn that life is not fair. Having a mother's heart, I struggle with this more. When I see their disappointed faces I want to make the situation "fair" so that they will be happy again. However over the years of parenting I have learned that this backfires in the long run. The more "fair" I try to make things the more whiny and dissatisfied my children become and the more they demand their "rights". As a good friend of mine recently wrote to me, "We have been conditioned to equate fairness with justice. What a mistake! It breeds covetousness."

It is important that I "practice what I preach" to my children. When life is "unfair' to me, I need to respond in a biblical manner. While it is "unfair" that I have had eight miscarriages and other women have problem free pregnancies, I still need to respond in a biblical manner. I can not use the unfairness of the situation to become bitter and to be rude to a friend who is talking about her "book perfect" pregnancy. Anyway, on the flip side, is it fair that I have five living children when a friend of mine, who would make a wonderful mother, has not been able to have any children?  

Life was not fair to Jesus. He was born in a stable. His parents were poor. He was never married. He did not have a house of his own. People often accused Him of things He never did. His friends deserted Him in the hour of His greatest need. He was nailed to a cross for a crime He did not commit. Yet all of this accomplished a great purpose, our salvation. When life is unfair to me, there is a reason. God's plans are not always easy to understand but they are always good, even if it does not see like it to us at the moment.

No, it was not fair that I miscarried our baby (and seven more over the years) but I now understand how the Lord has used it for good. My miscarriages have enabled me to minister to other women who have miscarried or are hurting in another way. I have become more tender towards people who suffer losses. I am a better mother to my living children because of the babies we have lost. My marriage was strengthened through the shared heartache of losing these little ones. Heaven has become sweeter to me. I have grown spiritually. I have spent more time in God's Word after my miscarriages than at any other time in my life. Romans 8:28 has become very real instead of only a cliche.  Does this mean that I should not be sad because we lost our babies? No! Sadness is not a sin. If it were, the Bible would not tell us to "rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep". I still shed an occasional tear over the babies that I never got to hold. I still sigh when I see children who would have been the ages of the children we miscarried. However, there is a peace under the sadness because I have accepted the fact at that life is not fair.

Life is not fair. We live in a sinful, depraved world. The sooner we accept that life is not fair, the more inner contentment we will have. 

Recommended books: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo

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