**That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2: 4-5 

As a mother of five, I find it easy to be consumed with my children. Making sure their basic needs are met is a full time job. And then there is all the time it takes to teach them to be obedient the first time, to be faithful in their chores, and to be kind to each other (in other words, teaching them that their main goal in life is to please God). Then, on top of all that there is the time it takes to read stories to the children as well as homeschooling four of the five children. Being a full time, homeschooling, very involved Mom is a far more then a 40 hour week.

Not only do our children take up a mother's actual physical time, but they can also consume her emotions. To prove this point all I need to ask you to do is to listen to two mothers in conversations. What does their conversation revolve around. Their children of course. I am as guilty of this as any other mother.

Having said all this, let me go on to say that I truly believe that our children should have third place in our lives. God should come first and our husbands should come second. The husband-wife relationship was the first relationship God ever made, in the Garden of Eden. God could have made any combination in Eden: father-son, mother-daughter, father-daughter, mother-son, but He chose to make the husband and wife the priority. A husband and wife are a complete family even before they have children. My husband and I were married for nearly five years before we were able to have a child that did not die through miscarriage.

People who did not know my history of miscarriages would ask us, "So when are you going to start a family?" Our response was usually, "We started one the day we were married" (said, kindly of course). Giving our husband's such a high priority in our lives is a foreign concept in today's culture. Respect for the husband/father of the family is scoffed at. TV shows and commercials often ridicule the husband/father making him look dumb while the wife and children always "know best".

Our society is also very child centered, leading us wives to feel that we should put our children over our husbands. We do our children no favors, however, in making them think they are the center of the universe. Our children should be welcome members of the family, but not the center of it. We actually do our children a far greater favor if we make our marriage a top priority. Children will be far more secure if they know that Mommy and Daddy love each other and that nothing but death will ever separate them. When I think back to times in my childhood that my parent's quarreled, I felt as if my whole world was falling apart. When they showed each other affection and spent time together I felt secure and loved.

I admit that, even though I firmly believe that my husband should have priority over my children, it is often hard to apply this practically to my life. My children are young and have many needs. My husband is an adult and self-sufficient. It is much easier to write about this than to put it into practice. I am a "list person" and I have made a list that I check from time to time that helps me to know if I have my priorities as they should be. Here is part of the list:

1. Do the meals I prepare cater to my husband's likes and dislikes or my children's?

2. Am I willing to leave my children with a trustworthy babysitter to go on a date with my husband or do I not want to go simply because I don't want to be away from the children?

3. When my husband and child both start talking to me at once, who do I make wait while I am listening to the other one. 

4. Do I think of ways that my husband can help me with the children or do I think of ways that my children and I can be helpful to my husband?

5. Do I keep the children out of my husband's things?

6. Do I spend as much time thinking about my husband as I do about my children?

7. Do I spend as much time praying for my husband as I do my children? 

8. If my husband asks me to do something for him (make a phone call, run an errand) do I tell him I was too busy with the children that day? 

There are definitely moments when there is no choice but to break my own list of rules, especially when the children are very young. It is hard to have a meaningful conversation when the baby is crying at the top of her voice because she is hungry so the meaningful conversation must wait until the baby is fed. When one or all of the children are ill with the stomach flu and on the b.r.a.t diet (bananas, rice, applesause and toast), then my husband, who does not care much for white rice, will probably have a rice based meal for supper. However those times should be the exception and not the rule. When I do fail at putting my husband in the proper place in my priorities, it is not always the children who move ahead of him. Sometimes it is a friend or my housework or my own selfish sinful "wants". Is a clean house so important to me that I get irritated when my husband wants to give me a hug while I am dusting? Do I spend so much time on the phone with a friend that my husband gets little of my attention? Do I give my husband the "silent treatment" to "punish" my husband for not getting me that new drapes that I wanted? 

Though I will be the first to confess that I don't always manage to put my husband second (only to God) on my list of priorities, it something that I have worked hard to do ever since we were married. The rewards have been far greater then I ever imagined they would be. Sadly, due to our sinful natures, no marriage is perfect, but I consider that my marriage is a bit of "Heaven on earth". My husband loves me. He cares for me. He does things for me. He winks at me in public. We have our little inside jokes. Most amazing of all he still considers me to be beautiful (I am still trying to figure that one out! All I can think of is that "Love is blind"!). As for me, I look at him and think he is the most wonderful, handsome man in the world. I get the same "fluttery" feeling that I got when we were ages 16 and 18, and I would look across the history class at him. We are each other's best friends. We are very well aware of the fact that the other one is not perfect (After all, we do live in the same house!) but we do not let this keep us from putting each other second only to God.

Is your husband second on your priority list? If not, please put him there. You will find the rewards are great. Yes, I realize that I have it easy because I have a loving husband who makes it easy to keep loving and respecting him. My heart truly aches for women who live with men who do not love them in a biblical manner. I have a couple of friends in this position. Very few people have my sympathy more then they do. I pray for on a regular basis. However, by putting your husband in his biblical place, you will be pleasing the Lord and isn't that our ultimate goal? I also believe that you will find that you will reap rewards here on this earth by placing your husband second only to God.

Recommended books: "Creative Counterpart" by Linda Dillow and "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace.

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

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