Priority #3:  Your Children

by Anne Elliott, January 12, 2003

Are you longing for a happy and peaceful home?  Christians all across the United States are longing for a Christ-honoring home, yet in reality, their homes are filled with bickering, hollering, screaming -- and even abuse -- as parents struggle to control their children.  If you came to this site looking for some answers to your parenting problems, congratulations!  God's Word really does have some practical answers that can help you.

First, since this is an article about priorities, let's do a check.  How is your relationship with God?  If you haven't settled in your mind that God is first, then you really need to start there.  Why?  Because God's parenting advice doesn't always match the advice you'll read in popular parenting magazines or that you'll hear from your buddies.  So before you start to make some changes, you need to settle in your mind whose advice you'll listen to -- God's or the world's. 

Now I've noticed that many sincere Christians say that God is their first priority, but then they immediately disobey God in the area of marriage.  How are you doing in this area?  Wives, do you submit to your husbands?  Are you characterized by the following traits listed in the Amplified Bible...

“And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband – that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him, and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

If you're doing everything else "right" but failing in your marriage, I can guarantee that you'll have trouble with your kids.  So I urge you to prayerfully consider this area of your life.

Finally, let's look at some practical biblical advice for parenting.  To be an effective parent, you really only need practice two key principles, laid out for us in Ephesians 6:1-4.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."  

Principle #1:  Require obedience and honor of your children.  

You can teach your children to obey, but to do so, you need to be consistent.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you ask your daughter to come to you, require her to come the first time you call.  I've heard it said that kids have no problem with first-time obedience -- only parents do!  We get lazy and give commands so many times, our kids begin to get lazy, too.  They decide to "gamble" with us, betting that we don't mean what we say so they can continue doing what they want.  Keep in mind that if we don't teach our kids to obey us the first time we speak, they probably will have a hard time learning to obey God the first time He speaks!

As you teach your children to obey, expect them to do so with a good attitude.  If they obey immediately, but do it with a bad spirit, how are they fulfilling God's command to honor their parents?  Make it a rule that in your home, disrespect is as frowned on as direct disobedience.  

Principle #2:  Don't provoke -- train.

A simple way to do this is to have consistent consequences for disobedience and consistent rewards for behavior that pleases God.  Many online resources (see www.doorposts.net, for instance) can help you set some up, but the key is to be consistent.  Your kids thrive when they know what to expect.  In our home, we have set up ahead of time standards that we expect of our kids.  If they lie, disobey a command, or hit a sibling, our children already know what the consequences will be.  Our duty as parents is just to carry through on what we said would happen.  Yes, our kids may cry, but then the punishment is over and we can all carry on with our lives.  Parenting becomes simpler and kids become more secure.  We also have set up standards of holiness that we want to train our children to, and when our kids learn to be courageous, helpful or kind, we have rewards (the Bible calls them "blessings") already in place -- maybe a chocolate cake for dessert, maybe a new toy, maybe some special time with Daddy, maybe a crown to wear all day.

Let me emphasize again that the key to parenting is consistency.  If Suzie doesn't obey the first time you speak, take her in the other room, remind her how she disobeyed her, carry out the consequence you set in advance, hug and carry on with your life.  You'll find you lose your temper less and that Suzie will obey you the next time you speak!

Parenting can be difficult, especially if your home is already full of bad habits.  I'd love to help you in any way I can, so feel free to e-mail me privately if you'd like some encouragement.  

Learn more about being a good parent...

Read about Priority #4