This was written in 2000, when I had my last miscarriage. I had a hard time deciding whether to include this with the articles I am sending out, since it is so "near and dear" to my heart. However, I decided that if it helped even one person who has had a miscarraige or other loss, it would be worth sharing. The Lord blessed us with another little girl (our fifth living child) after this miscarriage (in May 2001).

JONY'S LIFE AND DEATH

April 4: I went to the hospital with a bladder infection and learned that I was pregnant! Jeff and I were both very excited and so were Joshua and Joseph when we told them later in the month. Most of April and early May: I was "sicker then a dog" with morning sickness but thrilled to be expecting another baby. 

May 16-21: I had a virus that caused severe joint pains. I was very worried about what the virus would do to the baby. Later we learned the virus was probably Fifth's disease, which causes severe birth defects, especially in the first trimester.

May 24: I went to the hospital for a routine pregnancy check up. Dr. Kemp could not find the heartbeat so she did an ultrasound. No heartbeat. The baby was dead. It was devastating. Having four children to go home and cuddle helped greatly but each child is a unique individual and I felt very sad about losing this new little one. Jeff did too. Dr Kemp said I had the choice of an immediate D&C or waiting to see if I would miscarry naturally. I chose to wait and see if I would miscarry naturally.

May 24-June 9: We waited, hoping that I would miscarry on my own. It was very hard to carry a baby that I knew had died. Yet human emotions can be so contrary that I also did not want to let go of the tiny part of the baby (his earthly body) that I still had with me. It was very hard to carry a baby that I knew had died. Sometimes I felt like a tomb. 

June 9: I had a D&C because I had not miscarried naturally and did not feel that I was emotionally up to carrying a baby that I knew had died any longer. By this time we had named the baby Jony.

June 10-14: I had severe cramping and bleeding all week and was in too much physical pain to have much emotional  pain this week. The physical pain was so intense that I told my husband I thought I was dying. I was taking three or four Ibuprophin around the clock. June 14 -30: I still had cramping and bleeding, though less sever. I felt discouraged and sad nearly all the time from the sadness of losing Jony and because the physical part of the miscarriage was dragging on so long.

June 27: I had an ultrasound to determine if something had been left in my uterus. There was still tissue there, caught between the septum (I have part of a septum in my uterus, most of it was removed years ago) and the wall of my uterus. 

June 30: I had another D&C to remove the remaining tissue. This time I had no cramping and very little bleeding. 

June 30 to present: Physically: I am doing much better and improving each day Emotionally: It is a roller coaster. (From past experience with other miscarriages, I know it will be this way awhile.) There are moments that I am very sad but I have many happy moments as well. Little things bring me moments of sadness such as seeing a pregnant woman especially one who is due when I was due, smelling lemon or peppermint (I used both a lot when pregnant with Jony because they helped my morning sickness), seeing a newborn, seeing baby clothes in the store, and things like that. However little things also bring me joy such as hearing my children laugh together, feeling their little hands in mine, having them give me a spontaneous hug or say "I love you", watching them play, spending time with Jeff, certain Bible verses and hymns, the beauty of nature and things like that. Spiritually: I know there is no sin in sadness. However with past miscarriages, I have sinned in my sadness in varies ways such as neglecting my responsibilities (once I was physically up to doing them again), being unfriendly to pregnant women, and with one miscarriage, I even had bitterness and anger towards God. This time I have not struggled with any of those things. For the most part, this miscarriage seems to have strengthened me spiritually. I have an even stronger desire to read the Bible and pray then I did before the loss. I am still trusting in the Lord. I am not saying that there have not been moments of spiritual struggle (especially at night when I go to bed and the house is quiet) I have had definate times of hopelessness, in which I know for a fact, I was not thinking biblically. However, over all, I feel that this miscarriage has been a time of spiritual growth. 

DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT LOSING JONY

1. Of course the hardest part was losing this unique little individual and not being able to raise him/her and get to know him/her.

2. Carrying a baby that I knew had died (for 2 weeks and 2 days).

3. The physical side of this miscarriage dragged on so long. It was very discouraging to me and wore me out physically and emotionally.

4. This seems minor and it is, but one small disappointment was that I had always wanted a baby in the year 2000. Of course, even though Jony has died, Jony is still my little 2000 baby but one of the reasons that I wanted a 2000 baby was because I thought it would be neat to say one was born in the year 2000.

5. Jessica LOVES babies and shows far more interest in them then any of her brothers ever did. It would have been neat for her to be a big sister.

6. Jeff has always wanted at least 5 children (though he says he is very happy with what ever number the Lord gives us, and I know he means this). If Jony had lived he/she would have been our 5th living child. 

7. The children, especially Joseph, were so disappointed and sad.

8. Some people felt that since we have four living children, that I should not be grieving over the loss of this baby. This was hurtful to me. I am very thankful for my living children, but each child is a unique individual and they do not replace each other.

9. Since I have had eight miscarriages and only four living children, I am afraid that I will never have another living child. I know I can be happy with four children. At one time I thought I would never have any living children, since we lost three babies before I carried my oldest living child to term. However, ending my "childbearing career" with a miscarriage would be very sad and hard. 

10. I have been struggling with insomnia. I am too busy during the day to think much about little Jony but when I go to bed the sadness seems to hit me full force and I lay there for two hours. If I wake up in the night I immediately think of Jony and often can't get back to sleep. Often during this time I pray but I have to admit that other times I just feel great sadness. As a result of my short nights I am more tired during the day and have to make a conscious effort to be patient with the children. I also feel really "out of it" because of lack of sleep and find myself doing dumb things a lot.

POSITIVE THINGS LOSING JONY

1. Losing another child has made me even more thankful for the four living children that God has given us. I have often wondered why, out of all my pregnancies, God chose these four to remain on this earth. God must have something special for their lives. They are each little miracles!

2. Losing Jony has brought me closer to the Lord. I have a strong desire to read the Bible and pray more often and for longer periods of time.

3. Losing Jony has made our marriage stronger by making Jeff and I closer. I praise the Lord for Jeff's tenderness and kindness through this whole process.

4. Losing Jony, like all our other miscarriages, has made Heaven sweeter. 

5. Losing Jony made me even more thankful for several dear, dear, godly, wonderful friends and family members who have ministered to us during this time in many ways.

6. Breaking my tailbone at the beginning of the year, having the virus and the long drawn out miscarriage has made me appreciate my normal good health. It has also caused me to pray a lot more for those who live with chronic pain.

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

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