Jeff and I were married in 1987, at ages 19 and 20. I loved my new husband very much (and still do!). All my life there were two things I dreamed of being: a wife and a mother. I never had any aspirations of a career of any other kind. I was now a wife and I just assumed motherhood would follow.

Seven months later, I was pregnant. Jeff and I were both very excited. However, less then a week later, I miscarried. The first few days after this miscarriage I felt dazed and numb. I remember thinking I would get over it quickly. After all, I had only known I was pregnant for a week. I was shocked and dismayed when after the numbness wore off, I was overcome with grief and sadness for this tiny little baby which I had never even felt move. At that time I thought I was unspiritual to be sad about this so I tried hard to push those feelings away but each time I saw a pregnant woman or baby I would be overcome with sadness. I later learned it is not a sin to BE sad but that it is possible to sin IN our sadness.

It took me over a year to become pregnant again (a very long year). This time the pregnancy lasted until nearly the end of the first trimester. My first miscarriage had not been terribly painful in the physical sense so the severe cramping of this one shocked me. During the miscarriage the severe physical pain took my mind off any emotional pain (that came later). Genetic testing later showed we had a daughter who we named Angela Grace. This miscarriage, like the first one, was very sad and hard for me. All my life I had wanted to be a mother more then anything and now this dream had been taken away once again. I remember looking out the window at a pregnant woman and just falling apart. I cried for hours. 

One positive thing did come from this miscarriage. During the D&C, the doctor discovered that there was a septum in my uterus. My babies would grow to a certain size and then could not grow anymore due to this tissue that divided the uterus. I had surgery to remove this and four months later was pregnant again. This time we were SURE everything would be okay. After all, the "cause" of my other miscarriages had been removed. I had heard that morning sickness was a very good sign of a healthy pregnancy and I felt very sick. 

I carried this baby much longer then either of the first two. One day I had an ultrasound which showed that our baby had a severe heart defect. Her heart was developing outside of her chest cavity. We were devastated. Jeff and I held each other a long time and cried and cried. Later when we talked to our doctor on the phone he suggested an abortion. We did not even have to think about this. We knew this child would probably not live but we wanted her to go to Heaven in God's time table, not ours. Two weeks later an ultrasound showed she had died. For lack of time I will not go into all the details of her traumatic birth and the funeral that followed but I am very thankful that we were able to have a funeral and bury this little one's body. What may have happened to the earthly bodies of my first two babies had always bothered me.

It took me over another long year to become pregnant again. The cramping and bleeding started almost immediately but an ultrasound showed the baby seemed perfectly healthy so the doctor put me on complete bed rest. I was on bed rest for most of the first and last trimester. (I learned that, as much as I like to read, even that can get old after awhile.) It was a long anxious pregnancy, especially in the last trimester when my blood pressure got so high I had to be hospitalized. A couple of days later when my blood pressure reached stroke range (240/140), I had an emergency c-section even though the baby would be premature. On May 15, 1992, Joshua Jordan Stilwell was born, weighing only four pounds. Words can not express the joy I felt when they placed him in my arms. 

My joy did not even decrease when we were told that Joshua had a birth defect. A specialist explained the problem to us and told us it could be corrected in one or two surgeries. We were thankful to learn this problem would not keep him from having a normal childhood. One evening, in the hospital room, Jeff shared with me how the Lord had prepared him for Joshua's problem. The morning of Joshua's birth the chapel speaker, who spoke at the Bible college Jeff attended, told the story of a baby born with severe problems and how this had been used to honor and glorify God. The speaker also used the verse in Exodus 4, which says: "Who had made man's mouth? Or who maketh the dumb or deaf or the seeing or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?". Though Joshua did not have any of these particular birth defects, this verse reassured us that God had made Joshua and that He was in control.

Since I had a history of infertility and miscarriage, I hoped to become pregnant again very soon after Joshua's birth. That did not happen. When I finally did become pregnant, nearly two years later, I miscarried. We were at Family Camp when I had this early miscarriage. It was a rough week. I had this miscarriage, Joshua nearly drowned and Jeff hurt his neck so badly he had months of chiropractic care ahead of him. (It is amazing we would have ever wanted to go back to Family Camp but we go every year we can and thoroughly enjoy it.) We named this little one Aaron/Erin. 

Three months later I became pregnant again, only to miscarry in a few weeks. This baby we named Jamie. I always thought it would be easier, emotionally, to miscarry after having a living child and in a way it was because my arms were no longer empty. I had Joshua to hold. However, in a way the miscarriages after I had living children were hard because I now knew how great our losses really were. Praise the Lord, I had His Sovereignty to trust. How can anyone make it through life's trials if they do not have the reassurance that God is in control? I did become pregnant soon after that miscarriage and this time did not miscarry, though I had many months of bed rest again. When I was 11 weeks pregnant I awoke very early one Sunday morning to discover that I was hemorrhaging. I was sure that I was in the process of yet another miscarriage. We bundled Joshua up, still in his pajamas and went to the emergency room where my doctor met us. Relief and joy engulfed me as the doctor picked up a strong heartbeat immediately. The doctor believed we either miscarried a twin or the placenta had pulled away from the uterine wall slightly.

It soon became evident why I had not become pregnant and carried a baby to term earlier. While I was in the last trimester of this pregnancy, we went through some very difficult times with Joshua's surgeries and if we had a newborn to care for at the same time, it would have been incredibly difficult. As it was, we were stretched to our limit. We ended up going to a specialist in a city two hours away from where we live. The first specialist was wrong, Joshua did not have 1 or 2 surgeries. He had a total of 10 surgeries between the ages of 4 months and 9 years old. Joshua recovered quickly from his first surgery so we expected the same from the surgery he had at age two. Instead he had one complication after another and ended up having 2 more emergency surgeries in a 6 week period. He also caught pneumonia in the mist of all of this. We also dealt with doctors who would not believe what we were trying to tell them. We ended up being right and it came close to costing Joshua his life. We learned that doctors don't always know best! Joshua had 6 weeks of intense pain and agony. It was the hardest 6 weeks of my life. It was harder then my miscarriages because though I had been sad for Jeff and me, I knew our babies were safe in Heaven. However, as many of you know, there is nothing as painful as watching your child suffer greatly.

There were times I was tempted to believe God had abandoned us but then the Lord brought something to my mind that brought me great comfort. God understood exactly what we were going through. He had seen His Son suffer even more then our son was suffering. While this was going on I was 7 months pregnant, had bronchitis and both Jeff and I were exhausted from sleepless nights because of Joshua's suffering. I could not seem to focus to read the Bible or pray but I remember rocking Joshua by the hour and singing two songs over and over again: "Lord, I Need You" and "Rejoice in the Lord".

Eventually Joshua got better and, though we faced each new surgery with dread, he never had the complication of that one surgery again. He did have pain and discomfort after all of his surgeries but he quickly bounced back as only children can. Through every surgery, Joshua was a good testimony. The nurses often commented on how sweet and brave he was, even in the midst of great physical pain.

On July 13, 1995, Joseph John Stilwell was born! The two names together, Joseph John, mean "an addition God has given". He was my first full-term baby. We were very excited and happy and Joshua was thrilled to have a little brother. When Joseph was 9 months old, my strong, healthy husband suddenly became weak and tired all of the time. It was all he could do to get out of bed to go to work and then come home and collapse on the couch for the rest of the day. Already very thin, he lost 20 pounds within a two week period. The doctors could not determine what was wrong. In my darkest moments I was sure he was dying. I wondered how the boys and I could ever get along without him. Though I love my children dearly, I love my husband even more. I would also start to cry every time I thought that if he died now, Joseph would not even remember his Daddy. Jeff is a devoted, loving husband and father and, though I know the Lord gives grace, I could not imagine life without him. I was reading in 1 Peter in my private devotions as that time and the verse, "Casting all you care upon Him, for He careth for you" (I Peter 5:7) brought me great comfort.

The Lord brought a doctor into our lives (the friend of a friend) who talked to Jeff on the phone. Through her help we were able to get to the bottom of what was going on. This doctor was on bed rest with a pregnancy, otherwise probably would not have been able to talk to Jeff on the phone. I feel that the Lord used this doctor to save Jeff's life.

Anyway, Jeff was diagnoses with juvenile diabetes. He spent five days in the hospital while they worked at getting his blood sugar under control and he learned how to care for himself as a diabetic. He will have to take insulin the rest of his life. It is a constant effort and struggle to keep his blood sugar levels normal. But he is alive and he is with us so we are very thankful. 

When Joseph was 11 months old I became pregnant again, much to my delight. However, at ten weeks into the pregnancy I began the cramping and bleeding which would lead to miscarriage. I was up all night (I had enough miscarriages to know I preferred to endure them at home rather then in the hospital.) with severe pain. About midnight I convinced Jeff there was nothing he could do and he should go to bed (I found out later that he did not sleep very well but prayed for me through the night). I tried reading the Bible and another book to get my mind off of it. It is interesting to note that night caused me to love God's Word even more but, to this day, I can hardly stand to look at the other book because it brings back horrible memories of that night. All night I kept saying the verse over and over, "Fear thou not, for I am with thee..." In the morning the doctor confirmed what I already knew, that the miscarriage was complete. I was thankful I did not have to have the D&C, required with most of my other miscarriages. Joshua was now old enough to understand that we had lost a baby and he shared our grief. It helped ease his sadness some when we decided to name the baby Jordan, which is Joshua's middle name. He seemed to think it very special that he and his little brother or sister in Heaven shared a name. 

Four months later I was pregnant again. I had my first and only "normal" pregnancy (is there really such a thing?) with not one complication. Josiah Joel Stilwell (he and his Daddy share a middle name) was born on August 1, 1997. How thrilled we were to have another son! I was rather shocked when I became pregnant three months later but my shock soon turned to delight. I also was fearful of miscarrying this little one since I had never had two successful pregnancies in a row. I had surgery on my hand (before I realized I was pregnant) and caught the chicken pox (I do NOT recommend getting them as an adult) while pregnant, which made me even more fearful for this baby. I also had several episodes of minor bleeding throughout the pregnancy. In spite of all this,on August 27, 1998, a perfectly healthy Jessica Elisabeth Laura Stilwell, our first living daughter, was born! The recovery was difficult. The doctor had a difficult time stopping the bleeding during the surgery. My c-section incision opened three times. It took over six months to recover from that the surgery. But every time I look into the face of our little daughter I know it was worth it. 

When Jessica was 18 months old we learned we were expecting another baby. During the first trimester I caught Fifth's Disease and, as a result of this illness, this child went home to be with the Lord at 12 weeks gestation. The miscarriage took 6 weeks to complete and there was much bleeding and cramping. I have a high pain threshold but there were times during this miscarriage that the physical pain was so bad, I thought I was dying. It was the most physically painful miscarriage I have ever had (which was surprising to me, since I had carried other babies longer). However, even more than the physical pain, I felt so sad over the death of this little one. However, once again, I was comforted through verses of Scripture and holding my other little ones in my arms. In 2001 we had our fifth living child after a relatively problem free pregnancy. There were some complications at birth because my uterus had stuck to other vital organs and it took some time for the doctor to stop the bleeding but, after a few scary minutes (in which I continually prayed, "Lord, I am ready to meet you but please don't let my children have to grow up without a mother.") the doctor was finally able to stop the bleeding. How thrilled we were to have our little Jennifer Esther Lydia, who was born on May 10, 2001. Because of some complications that took place during her birth (which I won't take the time to go into here), we are not able to have any more children.

Well, that is our story. Some things are too private and painful to share. I left out other details for the sake of time and space. However I hope this will encourage someone else. That was my whole reason for writing it. It is encourages even one person it will have been worth the time and effort. I have to say I am thankful for each trial that has come our way. We learned many things along the way. We learned, though God sends certain people to help us along the way, only God can bring true comfort and relief. We learned in the darkest, most desperate hours there is no one to turn to except for the Lord. That brought us closer to Him. Because of the events which have occurred in our lives, Jeff and I have a stronger marriage, we are better parents, we are better friends and most importantly we have experienced spiritual growth (not that we don't have a lot of room for improvement in all of these areas!). I am now living my life's dream of being a full-time wife and mother. On days I may be tempted to become discouraged with the care of four little ones, I think about the little ones I miscarried, and that immediately changes my attitude! I am very thankful for the four living children we have! 

After each miscarriage, I always turned to the book of Psalms. So many passages in that book brought me comfort. If you are experiencing a difficult time in your life, I strongly recommend reading this book in the Bible. David experienced many heartaches and cried out to the Lord in these passages. I know many of you have experienced far greater pain then I can even imagine but please know, through it all, God is faithful. 

If you think this would  encourage someone, please feel free to forward it to them. If any of you would like to write and share with me how the Lord helped you through a difficult time (or times) in your life, that would be a great encouragement to me. It is always a blessing to hear how the Lord worked in the lives of others. 

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

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