My husband and I have eight children in Heaven, all of whom have died through miscarriage. We had three miscarriages before we had our first living son, Joshua. Between Joshua and Joseph we had two more miscarriages. Then at eleven weeks into my pregnancy with Joseph we probably miscarried his twin. Between Joseph and Josiah we had yet another miscarriage. Jessica was born one year after Josiah and it was the first and only time I ever had two successful pregnancies in a row. Between Jessica and Jennifer I had my last miscarriage.

I have been pregnant 13 times in 13 years. When any of the four receptionist at my OB/GYN answer the phone when I call them they immediately call me by name. The nurses there have joked that they might as well keep a room there just for me. 

The loss of each baby was devastating for me. Occasionally I look around the dinner table and it occurs to me that over half of my children are not with us and I feel a pang in my heart. Sometimes I see a red headed child (four of our five living children are redheads, like their Daddy) who would have been the age that one of my miscarried babies would have been and my eyes become moist. However, the constant ache that was with me for several months after each loss is no longer with me. In fact I think of my babies in Heaven with joy.

In my darkest hours, the Lord always sent me comfort, perhaps a special verse, sometimes a friend would call or I would find a note in the mail. 

One of the times the Lord brought me comfort was after the loss of one baby, a girl we named Anne. This was our third loss in as many years and at this point, we had no living children. This was the one baby that we carried long enough to bury. As my husband and I drove to the cemetery for the grave side funeral I was so sad that I felt physically ill. My chest hurt so much I could hardly breathe. At that moment, I was in such despair that life without Anne seemed meaningless. Suddenly I realized that my husband had put a tape in the tape deck and the words of the song began to penetrate my numb brain, "...But just think of stepping on shore and finding it Heaven, of touching a Hand and finding it God's, of breathing new air and finding it celestial, of waking up in Glory and finding it Home". Those word lifted the dark cloud of despair. This reminder of the fact that my child was in Heaven brought me great comfort. Some how, I knew then that I could go on with life because I had the Lord to help me through the difficult days ahead. 

Another thing that greatly encouraged me was the fact that my child would never have to experience sin. Unlike my living children, they would never lie, hit their brother, or disobey. Also unlike my living children, they would never be sinned against. No other child would ever belittle them or tease them in a cruel way. As with infertility, a couple needs to understand that a husband and wife respond differently to the loss of their baby. In our case, I grieved more deeply then my husband, though my husband certainly had his sad moments. 

As I mentioned earlier, some of our miscarriages occurred after we had living children. Our two older boys, who have been old enough to understand that we lost a baby, have grieved deeply. When we lost our last baby they were eight and five years old. Both of them dealt with the sadness differently. Joshua was quiet and did not want to talk about it much. Joseph wanted to talk about the baby all the time. All four children needed extra hugs and reassurance. In the midst of our own grief it has sometimes been difficult to know what to say to them but we have found that our shared sadness has made them closer to us. Our miscarriages also gave us an opportunity to teach them, both through example and through talking about it, how a believer should respond to tragedies in life. 

Next to the fact that my children were in Heaven, the fact that brought me most comfort was that my miscarriages helped me to know how to encourage and comfort others who miscarry. The Lord has given me several opportunities to minister to women who have lost babies. This has been a tremendous blessing to me. 

Something that I wish I had learned much earlier in my miscarriage history is that only God can truly bring comfort. I am blessed to have a husband that has been very comforting through all my miscarriages. I am also blessed with dear friends and a loving church family that have helped us through in our sadness. However, only God could truly comfort the deep ache I felt inside each time I lost a baby. One evening about a month after my forth miscarriage I was an emotional wreck. My arms ached so much to hold our baby and the grief seemed overwhelming. Our two year old son (and only living child at the time) was in bed. My husband was at work. I felt desperately that if I did not find comfort and encouragement I would "lose it" completely. I tried calling my two closest friends. Neither was home. I tried another friend. She had company and could not talk. I was truly desperate. I started calling casual friends, ones who I had never confided in, searching for some kind of comfort. Some were not home. One was home but said she could not understand why I was so sad over a baby I never met. By this time I hung up the phone with her I was nearly hysterical. Suddenly I spotted my Bible. As I picked it up the realization hit me that I was turning last where I should have turned first; to God. As I read Psalm after Psalm and cried in prayer to God, I found a calm and peace and comfort that no human, however much they loved me, could have given me. 

One thing that is very difficult for a couple who has miscarried is that friends and family often fail to acknowledge the baby as a real person. As Christians, we are opposed to abortion because abortion kills a living child, yet when a woman miscarries we expect her to be "over it" in a matter of days. People would say to me, "At you never knew the child". No, I never "knew" the child but that did not make it any easier. Others also assume that the longer you carry a child the harder it is to lose the baby but I did not find this to be true. I have had eight miscarriages at various stages of the pregnancy and every loss has been difficult. I consider my children in Heaven as much a part of my family as the ones here on earth. In fact when someone asks me how many children I have, I always say, "five" so that the other person does not feel uncomfortable but never has that question been asked of me that I don't think, " I have thirteen children" (or how ever many I had on earth and Heaven when the question was asked of me). Before I had any living children I assumed that it would be "easier" to miscarry if someone already had a living child. If I heard of someone miscarrying who already had children I would feel badly for them and pray when I heard the loss but often brush it aside thinking, "It can't be as hard as what I am going through. At least their arms are not empty. They have living children". Now that I have lost babies after having living children, I know better. Yes, it certainly was a comfort to have other children to hold in my arms but each child is a unique individual and my living children, much as I loved them, do not replace the little ones that died. In one way, the losses after I had living children were even harder because I realized just how great my loss really was. 

There are many ways you can comfort and encourage a friend who has had a miscarriage. Send a sympathy card just as you would if a "real" person died, a real person HAS died. Send a note several months after the loss. It always encouraged me to get a note from someone several months after a miscarriage when I felt like everyone had forgotten. Give the mother little "pampering" gift such as perfume or bath oil. Offer to do some cleaning for them. All of these things have been done for me and each time I have been encouraged. 

We also appreciated meals and paper plates and frozen pizza and anything else that made food preparation easier. With some of my miscarriages I bounced back quickly (physically). However three of my miscarriages were very painful. One of them even drug out for nearly two months. I had severe cramping and bleeding this whole time. Having meals brought in for my family was a huge help and encouragement during this time. 

As difficult as my miscarriages have been, I can now say that I am thankful for them. I grew more spiritually in the months following a miscarriage then at any other time in my life. The loss of our children has made our marriage stronger and brought us closer as a family. My husband and I can both minister better to those who are hurting because of our babies. We have eight precious little ones waiting for us in Heaven. They certainly make the thought of Heaven even sweeter. 

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

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