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Having Well-Behaved Children in Publicby Kimberly Merrill I have always gone out with all my children. While it has not been problem-free, 99% of the time the children are well behaved. One reason is going out is something we have always done. Since I am the only driver, I have to do all the shopping. And the best time to go is during the day when my husband works, so I always bring all the kids. So teaching them how to behave properly in public is a regularly practiced skill. Also, leaving a public place early (or nor going at all) is not an option for me most of the time, and unfair for the behaving kids, so teaching good public behavior has been a priority (that has paid off.) I lay out the expected behavior BEFORE we leave (to the little ones on a regular basis, to EVERYONE if we are going someplace especially requiring good behavior--and I bribe shamelessly for these occasions which aren't often). I am specific. I do not say, "I want you to be good." I say, "I do not want you to run. I do not want you to scream. I do not want to you to hit, poke or prod each other. I do not want you to make faces..." Then I say, "If you do any of these things, this will be the consequence." and I lay out what the consequence is ("If I have to speak to you three times, we will leave early." "You will not have dessert." "You will have to ____________ when we get home.") When my oldest daughter was three, I went grocery shopping with her and her baby sister. She couldn't be in the shopping cart, but she wouldn't stay with me. I asked her to hold the side of the cart. She refused. I told her (leaning very close to her ear and hissing/growling) "You hold on to this cart or I will hold on to your hand." She refused. I held her hand VERY TIGHTLY all through the store. She screamed bloody murder the whole time. But all the shoppers saw was a Mom holding her little girl's hand. I *finished* my shopping (the idea was to make *this* experience for her unpleasant so that next time she would choose a more pleasant experience) and did not speak to her again until we were in the car. I reviewed for her what her choices had been, and how my holding her hand was *her choice* and that next time, she should mind. I have never had a problem with her or any other of the children since then. They just know that toeing the line in public is NOT an option. The other thing my husband and I are adamant about is, if the children are complimented by strangers for their behavior, we pass the compliment on to them because this is also a consequence of their behavior. They were complimented for what *they* did, so *they* need to hear the praise. And we lavish it on. We tell them how proud and pleased we are to hear strangers say kind words, we tell them that they are being a witness for God when people watch them behave, etc. Going over to friends who have children is an entirely different matter. The problem is, whenever there is more than one adult in a room full of children, the adults end up talking to each other and ignoring the kids. Of COURSE the kids get wild and out of control!! When families with lots of kids get together, there are two options: 1.) Set up an area where anything goes. Make sure there are plenty of safe things to do and expect the room to be trashed and the behavior to be rowdy. I have strict boundaries on *where* the mess and rowdiness is, but otherwise I only interfere if there is blood. This works well in situations with families visiting us (with similar parenting standards) I review boundaries, play options and expected behaviors with my children before company arrives, then review boundaries (don't go upstairs or whatever) and play options with the visiting children when they arrive -- with their parents standing right there. 2.) The second option is for one adult to mind the kids. This is necessary in dangerous situations -- near water or open flame like family picnics in the summer -- and also at times when it is meant for adults to be fellowshipping and there are a lot of kids around (like church socials -- where children are expected to act like perfect little angels, but nobody wants to watch them.) I hope this helps someone. If anyone would like to e-mail me about more specific training ideas/techniques, feel free. Kimberly, her husband, and her six children live in Maine. She homeschools, and she comments, "One of my children is special needs -- and even *he* is well-behaved in public!! How fortunate I am!!" Thank you, Kimberly, for your great advice! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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