It probably seems rather strange that someone who has five children is writing an article on infertility. What "right" do I have to write an article on it? My husband and I spent the first five years of our marriage dealing with infertility (I did become pregnant three times during those five years but went on to lose those babies to miscarriage). We also dealt with secondary infertility between our first and second living children. I have a very soft spot in my heart for any of you who are dealing with infertility. If you are struggling to have a child, I have been where you are and I have not forgotten the heartache that can accompany infertility.

From the time I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to be a mother. I shed many tears over my years of infertility but there is one day in particular that really stands out in my mind when I think of those years. It was a Sunday morning and I woke up early. I was SURE I was pregnant this time and was anxious to take the pregnancy test that we had purchased the day before (those were still the days that you had to take them first thing in the morning). While my husband waited patiently in the bedroom I took the test. I stared at it in utter dismay when it was negative. That was my fifth negative pregnancy test in one year. I shed some tears and my husband comforted me then we both hurried to get ready for church. We arrived at church and the first thing I saw when I walked in the door was three pregnant women who were talking together, discussing their pregnancies. I hurried downstairs, purposely avoiding the nursery which is upstairs, and coming up the stairs was a new Mom with her baby. It was the baby's first time at church and there was not way I could not comment and look at the baby without appearing very rude. I mumbled something about how cute he was and then hurried into the bathroom to cry and cry. I could not stop crying. I never did make it to Sunday School because I could not stop the tears until the Sunday School hour was nearly over. I went to look for my husband, who had been wondering where I was. As soon as I saw his kind, concerned face, I started to cry again. My husband quickly and quietly led me out of the church and took me home. I spend most of that day crying. Nothing comforted me, not my husband, not beautiful music, not even the book in the Bible that I always turned to for comfort, Psalms. That day, I felt as Rachel did when she cried out to Jacob, "Give me children, lest I die!"

Couples dealing with infertility have many heartaches that others may never know about. There is the excitement of thinking you might be pregnant only to have that hope dashed month after month. There are the emotionally and physically painful medical tests that can also become very expensive. There is the heartache of yet another negative pregnancy test. There are the difficult decisions to make such as whether to pursue adoption or to continue with medical testing (many couples can't afford both) or learn to be content without children. When a couple is dealing with infertility, it often seems to them as if everyone they know is either expecting a baby or has one. It seems like they are getting an invitation to a baby shower every week in the mail. There is also often pressure from the couples parents and friends as to "When are you going to have a baby?"

The question that I found the most difficult was, "So...(usually a pause) when are you going to start a family"? The reason I found this question so difficult was because I believe that my husband and I were a complete family. Even before we had living children, we were a family. God could have made any relationship He wanted to in the Garden of Eden and He chose to make the husband/wife relationship, not a mother/daughter or father/son or any other relationship but a husband and a wife. Usually my husband and I would kindly respond to this question by saying that we "started a family" the day we were married. We were only a family of two, but we were still a family. 

I would like to share with you some things that helped me deal with our infertile years and also share with you some ways you may be able to encourage a friend you know that is dealing with infertility. One thing the infertile couple must remember is that a child will not make you "complete". You happiness is not one child away. Our relationship with the Lord is what completes and brings us joy. This was a very difficult lesson for me to learn. For a couple of years I lived with the assumption that if I only had a baby, my life would be perfect. Over the course of time and several painful lessons, I learned that my joy comes from the Lord, not from having a child. 

A husband and a wife will often deal with infertility differently. Usually, though not always, it will be much harder, emotionally, on the wife. It is important for both to understand that each other is different and to respect that. The husband should understand that the wife is not "unspiritual" because she is sad about not having a baby (our emotions are not sin, though how we respond to them can be). The wife should not assume the husband is "cold hearted" because he seems less concerned about having a child.

During my infertile years it was often difficult to be around pregnant women and babies (for some reason being around toddlers and older children was not hard for me emotionally). As I result of this, I often avoided my friends who were pregnant or had infants. There were probably times when this was the right thing to do. If three pregnant friends were all talking about there pregnancies, there was absolutely no reason for me to join the conversation. However, other times I was unkind and insensitive to these friends. This is probably my biggest regret of my infertile years. It was not right on my part to be unkind to them simply because they had something that I desperately wanted and had not been able to have.

There were a few things that encouraged me while we were dealing with infertility. One thing was that as I studied Scripture, every time a woman was not able to have a child, God's Word said, "The Lord closed her womb". Knowing that God was in control of my womb and that He knew the reason I was not able to hold a child of my own in my arms brought me comfort.

Another thing that brought me comfort was to look at older couples who had not been able to have children. Every older, childless couple that I knew had a very sweet and loving relationship. They had spent their lives devoted to each other. I especially think of one couple, a professor and his wife, who taught at the Bible college my husband attended. They were in their 60s but still looked adoringly at each other. They held hands as they walked across campus. All wives are to be helpmates to their husband but a wife with no children could be even more of a helpmate because she could put all her energy towards her husband. Of course, couples with children can have a wonderful, special relationship as well, but I have always sensed there is an extra bond and closeness between godly, childless couples.

I was also comforted by the tremendous opportunity for ministry that a childless couple has. I knew that if my husband and I never had children we could devote our lives only to God and to each other. I would be able to be heavily involved in what ever ministry my husband was to have and be able to devote more of my own time to ministry.

Even if you are not struggling with infertility you probably know someone who does. There are several things you can do to help and encourage them. First of all, remember that the couple is a complete family. Do not imply that they are "lacking" because they don't have children. If a friend who is having trouble having a baby confides in you do not repeat their confidences to others. One of my friends, who was very private about her infertility, had a well meaning friend announce my friend's problem to a prayer group. My friend was mortified when she learned of this.

Another way to help them is to not talk constantly about your own children. I know that moms, myself included, love to talk about their children but when dealing with an friend who can not have a baby, try to find other interests to talk about. Surely the two of you have something in common that you can talk about. It is also helpful if you do not give platitudes like, "Just relax" and "You'll have a baby some day" (how do you know?). Believe me, comments like these are neither encouraging or helpful.

The most important thing you can do for a childless couple is to pray for them. Pray that they will continue to trust in God and His sovereignty through their experience. Pray that their marriage will stray strong. Pray that they will sense God's Presence in a special way. Pray that the Lord would lead them to certain verses that would bring them comfort. Pray, that if the Lord wills, they will have a child. Let the couple know you are praying for them. Having people tell me they were specifically praying for me in the area of my infertility brought me great comfort and encouragement.

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

Note regarding our links -- We've programmed our site to open external links in a new window so you won't lose your place here.  If you have a pop-up blocker installed on your browser, you may need to open links manually (right-click with your mouse over links).  We do not use any pop-up advertising on our site.  Contact us with questions!

This site is hosted by  Web design by Anne Elliott.

Copyright © 2000-2008 Anne Elliott.  Clipart ©2002 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. Terms of Use Privacy Statement  Used by permission.