Have you ever been really hurt by something a loved one said or did? I know I have. Sadly, I have hurt others by things I have said or done, too. Even though the person involved and God have forgiven me, if I allow myself to think about it, I still feel deeply ashamed over some of the things I have said and/or done in the past.

In the past I have struggled with holding a grudge, or to put it in biblical terms, being unforgiving. It was especially difficult for me to forgive those nearest and dearest to me. With my husband's permission, I would like to share something with you that, up until now, I have only shared with a couple very close friends. When my husband and I were married, he was nineteen and I was twenty. For the most part, my husband is a quiet and private person. He does not like to be the center of attention. With all of his heart, he wanted me for his wife. However, he dreaded the actual wedding. His thoughts and attitude were, "Let's get this wedding over with so that I can be married to the woman I love."

It was not. Instead, as I walked down the aisle, my husband stood red faced looking straight in front of him, not once glancing at me. During the ceremony, I tried to exchange glances with him and he stood staring straight ahead with his eyes on the preacher. During the reception, I felt ignored as he stood by my side, silent and withdrawn. There were other disappointments on our wedding day, but I will spare you the details.

We went on to have a wonderful marriage. I could not ask for a better husband. He treats me with love and respect. He makes the most of my birthdays and Christmas. He has never forgotten our anniversary or Valentine's Day He often brings flowers for me for no other reason than to show me he loves me. After each of eight miscarriages, he was my comfort and my main stay. When our oldest son was born with a birth defect, he allowed me to cry on his shoulder as often as I need to do so.

Yet, in spite of our happy marriage, occasionally, I would remember our wedding day with deep disappointment. I especially thought about it every time we went to a wedding when the groom was solicitous or when I heard another wife talk about her wedding day as a precious memory. When I allowed myself to dwell on it, and I did, far too often, I would become angry and resentful towards my husband. After all, hadn't he spoiled what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Didn't I have a RIGHT to be angry?

As the years went by, I thought about it less and less but occasionally, I would think about it and become upset. Then one day, about five years ago, I realized, how unforgiving I was. We had been married for ten years. I had found some old wedding pictures and started thinking about our wedding day. By the time he got home, I was in quite a stew. I did not greet him at the door with the usual kiss and when he found me in the kitchen I was cold and distant. Of course, he asked me what was wrong and I responded with the one word women always say when they are most angry, "Nothing!"

Later after the children were in bed, my husband questioned me. For the first time, I told him, through tears, how disappointed I had been on our wedding day and why I was so upset. (Yes, perhaps I should write another article on communication!) He had known I was disappointed in some aspects of our wedding but he had no idea I had been nursing this resentment all this time. By the time I was finished telling him, I realized how ridiculous and petty I had been. He had been a quiet, shy nineteen year old who would have preferred to just elope. He had been a wonderful husband all these years. I could not have asked for better. Yet here I was, unforgiving and bitter, simply because he had "spoiled" MY day. That evening we asked each other's forgiveness. I also asked God's forgiveness for my unforgiving attitude.

I have struggled with being unforgiving in other areas as well. Not "nursing a grudge" is something I still have to make a conscious effort to work on. After the evening that I asked my husband's forgiveness I wrote the verse, "Be ye kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32" on a 3x5 card and put it by my bed. I have done things far, far worse than the "crime" my husband committed on our wedding day. I have been guilty of manipulation, lack of submission, gossip, coveting and far more. Again I will spare you the details but when I think about all that Christ has forgiven me and how unwilling I was to forgive my husband for not gazing adoringly at me as I walked down the aisle, I realize how sinful I am. I realize that if Christ forgave me the way I forgive my husband and others, I would be receiving eternal damnation.

Since that time, I have been learning to forgive. There are still times, I stumble, but, with constant prayer, I find I can forgive others. One time a dear friend said something that cut me to the quick. I was very hurt. I was tempted to draw away from the friendship. Yet, we had been friends for years. She was a very important person in my life. When I thought about it, I realized it was not only God-honoring to be forgiving but it would be foolish to give up years of friendship because of one comment.

Perhaps it is not too difficult to forgive friends and loved ones who occasionally do or say something hurtful. But what about that person who is always making cutting, derogatory remarks about me or worse yet, about my husband and children? What about the person who continually misjudges my husband? What about the person who lied and gossiped about me? Should I forgive them? Once again, I go back to the fact that God, for Christ's sake, forgives in me. How can I not forgive someone, after all Christ has forgiven?

Forgiveness is something my husband and I strive to teach our children as well. Anyone who has more than one child knows that siblings will argue and be unkind to each other from time to time. Anyone who has children also knows other people's children can be cruel and selfish. We are working on teaching our children to forgive each other and others. I pray my children will learn to forgive at a younger age than their mom and not have an unforgiving and bitter heart for ten years over an incident. My children have memorized Ephesians 4:32, the verse I quoted earlier, and we refer to it often.

Forgiveness is more than just saying or thinking, "I forgive that person." Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on what they have done.  Forgiveness is not telling anyone else what they have done. Forgiveness is being just as kind and friendly to the person after they have sinned against you as before. True forgiveness means I will never bring that subject up again to that person, to anyone else, or even to myself, with the intention to hurt.

If you feel it would be an encouragement or a blessing to someone, you have the Stilwell's permission to forward this article in its entirety. They just ask that you include this note at the bottom of the article with their name and e-mail address (Jeff and Kim Stilwell, jkstilwell@juno.com) in case someone wishes to contact them. Thank you.

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